Junior DeMelo's rough draft

[jrdemelo]

Adalberto DeMelo Junior
Mrs. Muldoon
English 2
03-01-09
Speech

After practicing all summer long, running 2 miles a day all just to get ready for a sport that you want to play in high school, and when you start playing the coach doesn't pick you to be on the team because you weren't as good as other people. That feeling is very bad and no one should feel it. Everyone should be able to play the sport that they want even if they are not as good as other players.
I'm tired of people sad because they didn't get picked to play the sport that they want. Everyone should play the game and have fun. They don't have to be the best players in the team to play. As long as they try their best, because your only in high school for 4 years of your life and you can't go back.
my main point is that everyone should play. Sometimes players are better when they play game and some are better when they practice so you never know if the person that is good in practice is going to be good in a game, and you never know if someone that is not very good in practice is going to be good in a game. So everyone should have an equal change and everyone should play. A lot of teenager feel bad about them selfs and do a lot of things that they shouldn't like, drugs, drink, and many other things because they weren't allowed to play the sport. it is more health if a person plays a sport then do nothing at home.
I hope everyone sees my point and understands that everyone should play their high school sport.

[J۝sЧŠMiŦĦ]

this is very good jR.

[alvine]

Mar 1, 2009 18:57:31 GMT -5 jrdemelo said:

Adalberto DeMelo Junior
Mrs. Muldoon
English 2
03-01-09
Speech

After practicing all summer long, running 2 miles a day all just to get ready for a sport that you want to play in high school, and when you start playing the coach doesn't pick you to be on the team because you weren't as good as other people. That feeling is very bad and no one should feel it. Everyone should be able to play the sport that they want even if they are not as good as other players.
I'm tired of people sad because they didn't get picked to play the sport that they want. Everyone should play the game and have fun. They don't have to be the best players in the team to play. As long as they try their best, because your only in high school for 4 years of your life and you can't go back.
my main point is that everyone should play. Sometimes players are better when they play game and some are better when they practice so you never know if the person that is good in practice is going to be good in a game, and you never know if someone that is not very good in practice is going to be good in a game. So everyone should have an equal change and everyone should play. A lot of teenager feel bad about them selfs and do a lot of things that they shouldn't like, drugs, drink, and many other things because they weren't allowed to play the sport. it is more health if a person plays a sport then do nothing at home.
I hope everyone sees my point and understands that everyone should play their high school sport.

The essay was good, but it can be much better if you extend on your ideas. By extending on your ideasm your essay can become fully developed and will help with your argument. You have some well-developed points that can make your essay more appealing to your audience. If you add an attention grabber in the beginning of your essay with a thesis statement, you will grasp the audience’s attention. Make sure you re-read your essay before you hand in your final draft because you have a couple of grammar mistakes, such as run-on sentences. If you use more complex words, you will impress your audience. Add a conclusion to your essay. You leave the audience thinking about your thesis statement and not about your main ideas of your topic. On the other hand, your essay gives good opinions, and you can clearly tell that you are emotionally invested in this topic. In addition, we disagree with your topic. Cuts are made for sports teams for reasons. It is not because the players are horrible at the sport, but its because the coach does not want to accept a player on the team and have them sit the bench the whole year. Some cuts are made to benefit the team. Good job!
alvine and kristen